she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
