WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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