I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
