she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
