I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
