The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
