Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
