Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
