Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
