I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
