omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
