I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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