My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
