I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
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