You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Drunk is a universal language darling
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