The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
