fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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