you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
