I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
