A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
