I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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