What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
