Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
