My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
