Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
