Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
