good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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