my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
