if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
