Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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