I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
