Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
