I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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