i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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