we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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