I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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