I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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