I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
