If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Found the puke drawer
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
