Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
