Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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