That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
