i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
