I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Found your dick twin last night
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
