Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
