Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
