i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
