I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
