i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
