I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
