Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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