I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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